Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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