I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
