Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
whose parrot is this?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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