he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
