last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
