If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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