I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
