I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
