I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I'm eating all of the evidence.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Randomize