people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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