I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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