so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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