Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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