Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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