he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize