Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
