Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
