Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
