i was born a porn star she said
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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