Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
That was an excessively violent trivia night
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
