why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
