You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
