I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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