first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
