just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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