I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
