as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
