we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
