You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
