Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
