He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
