I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
