Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
there is glitter all over my balls
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
