**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
