hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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