i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
