I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
There r osticjed everywhere
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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