I can text with my tongue
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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