I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You ruined the universe
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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