I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I just gargled with NyQuil
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
