Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
