I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
