She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
