I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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