I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize