I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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