I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
