An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
When are your genitals available?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
