You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
