Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
