It's like God shit irony all over that family
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
