You don't have asthma, your pregnant
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize