Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
