i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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