That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
