I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
this just has baby written all over it
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
