Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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