I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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