Define "chronic" masturbator.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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