please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize