Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
