we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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