I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
